I’ve been thinking about it a lot since yesterday’s post. Why ARE we too sensitive? Are other addicts like this, too? Do they respond with fear and anger when someone tries to take away their drug? Is that what fat people are doing?
I firmly believe sugar is a drug – our little brains light up with joy when we give it some loving (ahem, sugar). So when someone wants to intervene and come between us and that delicious food – our drug – we panic. We react in a variety of ways – and none of them intelligently.
Look, I’m a smart person. I got straight A’s in high school and college. Tests were easy for me. A big part of that comes from hiding in books instead of facing the real world. And part of that is because I knew I would never earn money based on my looks. So I studied like crazy.
But even though I’m smart, I made STUPID food and exercise decisions my entire life. I’d like to think I’m not that dumb and know better now, but you know what? I’m not. I will still sit down at a restaurant and order fish and chips instead of the cute little salad. I will get a S’mores Frappiccino “just to try it out.” (and it was delicious! I don’t even want to know how many fake chemicals they used to get that roasted marshmallow taste in there!).
See, I think we sometimes let our taste buds make the decision for us. We don’t use our brains, but think with our bellies.
I see this all the time with my dad. For example, just last week, I was skyping with my parents and my dad was getting ready to make some stir-fry. He pulled a container of rice out of the fridge and looked at it sadly. He shook it and said, “Well, that’s not enough rice. I guess I’ll have something else instead.”
But it was A LOT of rice. I mean, that would have been enough for one meal for my husband and I, let alone my dad’s stir-fry for himself. My mom and I had to convince him for five minutes that yes, it was enough rice. So he cooked it up with some veggies. That’s not so bad, right? But I guess he tried some, but didn’t like the flavor. He put in a container and ended up eating a giant bowl of cereal instead. My mom and I couldn’t believe it!
I need to talk to my dad. But I don’t know how to start and I’m afraid to talk to him. You know why? He’s too sensitive.
It’s the same problem that I have! Even now, after losing 50 pounds, I’m still far from my goal – I still get easily offended and think everyone is out to get me. I mean, my husband loves me and wants the best for me, so why do I get so angry whenever he asks simple questions like, “What did you eat today?” But I get mad! Why!?
I have tried talking with my father about this before. If we say something, like “You should eat salad instead of bread at 9:00 pm,” he makes a joke. He laughs it off. He acts like we’re paranoid or crazy. He acts like everything’s fine and WE’RE the weird ones.
Or he gets angry. He’ll say “I don’t want to talk about this” and leave the room. Or he’ll make a sharp comment or raise his voice. He gets upset because we’re trying to cut him off from his drug.
I want to try again and really try from a place of love. I want him to know that we’re constantly bringing up this topic because there hasn’t been any change. In fact, his belly is getting bigger and rounder! So there IS some change, but in a bad way. My mom and I have grown increasingly concerned that he’s going to have a heart attack or some other problem. He is already pre-diabetic, has sleep apnea, and has to take special medication to keep his blood pressure down. I wish I could just shake him!!! Like, I had all those problems, too, but they’re gone now because I watch what I eat and exercise.
I’m still scared to talk to him, though. I want him to take this seriously and start making the necessary changes. I’m worried he’s going to die – and that’s a tough conversation to have with a parent.
The thing is, I don’t think he’s educated on all this stuff. Oh, he thinks he is, but sometimes he makes food choices that just baffle me. The biggest thing he does is “treat” himself because he’s tired/stressed/it’s his birthday/he had a long day at work/whatever. But the problem is – the treats are on a regular basis! He’ll have ice cream on a Saturday or Sunday night, just for a treat. He’ll have nachos “because of the big game” or he’ll make homemade pizza because “it was cold out.” There’s always a reason and always a treat!
A treat should be rare – like once a month or less. For example, my husband and I are meeting some friends for dinner tonight. This will be the first time we’re eating out since our vacation several weeks ago. Between then and now, we’ve been eating the same old, same old every day! Boring crap. That’s the way life is. REALLY. I know, I know. We all want to eat pizza and ice cream, but our bodies can’t handle that. I mean, my husband’s body can, but he was blessed with a fast metabolism. I was not. So I can’t eat that stuff anymore, like, EVER.
I guess that’s what my dad is scared of. He LIKES his drug. He likes coming home and eating something comforting after a long day’s work. When we talk about taking it away from him, it’s like saying that he’ll never be happy ever again. That’s a harsh reality, but that’s how my dad sees it. He cannot imagine being relaxed or happy without those foods.
Sometimes my parents go out to eat with friends or family. My dad has started doing this habit of looking at the menu and choosing something unhealthy. Or he’ll add an appetizer on top of everything. Then, right when the waiter or waitress is waiting to take his order, he’ll turn to my mom and say “Is that okay?”
My mom is growing tired and angry of being put on the spot like this. He’s doing it on purpose, so she’ll keep her mouth shut and won’t “embarrass” him. She keeps telling me that she never knows what to say and that she wants to start saying no and start suggesting “oh, you should have a salad.” I tried to explain to her that my dad would see a salad the same as saying “oh, you should have some cardboard.” His taste buds aren’t ready yet, or rather, he’s still thinking with his taste buds instead of with his mind.
But here’s the thing, my dad is trying to keep my mom quiet. He’s trying to keep everything organized and contained. Yet his belly is spilling over. His own eating habits are out of control.
The last time I visited the US, my husband – then boyfriend – came with me. It was a chance for him to get to know my family better. They all liked each other, which was great, but you know what? I was really embarrassed to be around my dad. He’s this smart, funny, charismatic man – a natural leader who can get along with anyone – but he looked like a fat, lazy slob. He ate like a glutton. I was ashamed of the way he stuffed food into his mouth.
I hate that stereotype, but that’s how my dad looked. I was so worried my husband would think poorly of him because of that.
More embarrassing – that’s how I used to be. I look at how I eat now compared to years ago. I never once thought about how it looked to someone who was watching me – but now, when I think about it – I cringe. I probably looked like a fat, lazy glutton, too. I’m embarrassed for my father because it reminds me so much of my old self – the self I used to hate. The old self I STILL hate.
But I love my father. He’s a great man other than his eating habits. I want to talk to him from a place of love and concern. I want him to listen to me seriously. I want to help him, even though I’m on the other side of the world. How can I talk to him? How can I reach his heart? I need to cut through all the addictions and feelings and really get to the bottom line with him.
How does one confront a loved one about a serious issue, especially when they’re “too sensitive?”
infinite pensieve 